Good Communication Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry

A remarkable thing happened to me last week. I was at an International Day of Peace event in Whistler, sharing the Hello Pledge and encouraging participants to sign on to the Hello movement.

It was a lovely event, with shared songs, a candlelight meditation and powerful words spoken on the importance of peace — not just as an end to war and conflict — but for peace within each of us, because that’s the only way any of us will find true peace.

When the event was done and I was packing up, a young woman approached me and introduced herself with, “Hi Mo, I’m Susan Smith*. I don’t know if you remember me, but I sent you a very mean and nasty email a few years ago and I’d like to apologize for it.”

Wow. This isn’t something that most of us experience everyday. But I worked as Director of Community Relations for the Vancouver 2010 Olympic Games for eight years, and during that time, not everyone loved the idea of the Games or the plans we had for staging them. So over the years, I received my share of passionately negative emails.

I respectfully responded to these emails and, while some of them stung in the early days, I had to get used the fact that this was part of the job and learned to not take them personally. So when this young woman approached me about her email, I thanked her for her apology and let her know that she wasn’t the only person who shared their feelings with a negative email. I reassured her that dealing with challenging emails was part of my job but I sincerely appreciated her apology.

I was impressed by her courage as it was evident that this was not an easy thing for Susan Smith to do. She even asked if she could give me a hug at the end of our conversation, and being a hugger, of course I obliged. What an inspiring moment to experience at the end of a peace celebration — this young woman had found some peace by bravely apologizing for a communication she wished she had handled better three or four years ago.

She shared that her email, sent in haste and frustration, had bothered her for years and she seemed relieved to have an opportunity to apologize and find some peace in doing so. Not everyone has such a chance. So before you send a communication that you regret, think about how you may feel about it in a week, in a month, in a year from now.

Even when angry or frustrated, does your communication reflect your values? It’s important that we don’t just consider the impact of our words on others, we need to consider the impact of our words on ourselves. When we write, say or even think mean and nasty thoughts, we give them power over us. And if we are not mean and nasty people, then these words can eat away at us, knowing that we communicated in a way that contradicts our values.

This experience provides a lesson for us all — take the time to breathe and reflect on the impact that words can have, both in the moment and into the future. Apologies are important and appreciated when delivered with sincerity but it’s a whole lot easier to lead a life where your communications and interactions with others don’t require apologies.

When you communicate from a place of peace and respect, you don’t have anything to apologize for.