Many years ago, when still fairly new to the complex world of people management, I found myself in an uncomfortable communication challenge with one of my staff. Fortunately for both of us, I was lucky enough to have a very wise boss.

The challenge was this: my staff member was reaching that restless in-between place where she wanted more responsibility and opportunity but still needed more experience to develop and refine the required skill set. She needed coaching. But she was reluctant to receive my coaching because she perceived it as correcting or criticizing or felt that I didn’t trust her abilities. So after trudging through a couple of frustrating and tense workweeks with one another, rather than the fun, laid-back and supportive style we usually shared, I went off to seek some advice from my boss.

After explaining the situation to him, he instructed me to “Make a deal with her. If she wants to advance her job scope and responsibility then she needs to be willing to receive your advice and coaching to get there. She needs to embrace this as an opportunity and understand that when you coach her it’s intended to be a productive sharing of your experience and skills. And by accepting your advice, observations and experience, she is better equipped to achieve her goals. It’s a simple social contract. If she doesn’t like the terms then she can always leave.”

His abruptness took me by surprise, but he didn’t say it to be harsh. He simply meant that if any team member couldn’t agree to receive clear, honest feedback in order to improve and advance, then they were working in the wrong organization.

So I sat down with my staff member for a heart to heart. I told her that she was very good at what she did and that we wanted her to stay with us and develop her skills further. I also told her that I was very willing to help her become her best. And I told her that the plan had only two conditions: 1) if you want to improve you need to be open to receiving coaching; and 2) we need to be candid about the process and tell each other the truth.

This candor led to a constructive and honest conversation about what style of feedback and coaching she processed best, what tips she had already put into practice and the specific areas in which we both felt she needed to improve. It was positive, productive and paved the way for more honest and candid conversations. And it made us a stronger team.

While I first faced this situation almost 20 years ago, I’ve since used my boss’s advice on many jobs with many staff. It’s helped me maintain a truthful and open relationship with my project teams and they’ve always embraced the chance to be coached honestly and respectfully.

So the next time you’re worried about a potentially difficult conversation with one of your team, invite them to enter into a social contract with you – to listen, to learn and to respect and honour each other with the truth. Contracts don’t get any simpler than that.

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